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Oh, when would I call you mine
Even your shadow
But I don’t dare even your shadow
Say “I love you.”

This is what the poet Valery Bryusov wrote about unrequited feelings. What to do if you suffer the same fate? Is it possible to stop loving through an effort of will? How not to get depressed and lose your zest for life? Is it worth it in some cases to still achieve a reciprocal feeling? We are talking about this today with the rector of the Peter and Paul Church in Saratov, Abbot Nektariy (Morozov).

Feeling Discipline: How to Resist Infatuation

Inna Samokhina: A person in love, as psychologists say, is not entirely adequate. He sometimes loses touch with reality and is not always able to think soberly. Such a person, suddenly realizing that the object of his emotional affection does not reciprocate his feelings, falls into a rather serious state, giving way to euphoria. Very often the recipe he hears from others is: “Forget it, don’t worry, you’ll find someone else,” and so on. But how to do this, because you can’t order your heart?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): It seems to me that when we talk about falling in love and how a person experiences it, happy love or vice versa, unhappy love, not shared, we also need to keep in mind what kind of person we are talking about. Because people are very different in temperament, in upbringing, in the life baggage that they have. Therefore, one should not assume that all lovers behave exactly the same, because there are people who are generally characterized by a strong emotional involvement in everything that happens to them. Other people are quite calm, balanced, I think that they experience what we are talking about now in a completely different way.

But when we talk about falling in love and love, we always deliberately and consciously separate these two phenomena, because love is a deep, not just serious, but the most serious feeling that a person can experience, and falling in love is something else.

Jessica//flickr.com

After all, falling in love is a hobby, behind which there can be something serious and something completely frivolous. Why? Because often, when a person experiences the state that we call falling in love, he deals not with the person’s personality in the first place, but with the image that his imagination painted for him. To what extent does this image correspond to reality, to what extent does it coincide with the personality of the person for whom he feels this feeling? This probably becomes clearer over time, and sometimes it doesn’t even become clearer.

The question of how to cope with your emotions, experiences, if love turns out to be unrequited, if a person is in love and does not see any reciprocity - this is a question of the general discipline of feelings, so to speak. If a person does not want to endure disappointment, if he does not want his soul to be constantly torn and torn apart by many contradictory experiences and sensations, he must strive for what Abba Dorotheos is talking about.

It seems, where is Abba Dorotheos with his instructions to monastics, and where is love? A person is an integral personality, and it cannot be said that something related to the ascetics of antiquity is not relevant to modern people who are far from the feat - we are the same.

What is Abba Dorotheos talking about? He says that in order for a person to achieve dispassion, he must strive for dispassion. A person strives for impartiality when he tries, in a variety of life situations, to relate to everything that happens in such a way that it does not become a tragedy for him.

I wanted it to be this way, but it turned out differently, I came to terms with it, accepted it, I acquired the skill of accepting those circumstances that are undesirable for me, but accepting not tragic, not leading to some kind of internal break, but accepting calm.

This is achieved perfectly when a person simply relies on the will of God, when he accepts what happens to him not as some kind of accident, not as a coincidence, but as what the Lord deigned to happen to him.

To some it may seem that this impoverishes life, to others it may seem that it makes life cold and dry. No, that's actually not true. This saves a person from completely unnecessary and unjustified suffering.

Faith Kashefska Lefever/flickr.com

When a person has this skill - to accept what is happening to him and not insist on his will in various life circumstances at all costs, it is much easier for him to endure what we are talking about now.

I’m not talking now about asceticism, not about feat, but about the elementary discipline of feelings that should be inherent in a person. Let's say a person is hammering a nail and hits himself on the finger - one person, experiencing pain, will simply grit his teeth, sigh and continue hammering the nail; another person swears; the third will throw a hammer somewhere out of anger. Both the one and the other and the third are people, but they behave differently because they have a different culture of feelings, different ways of expressing their experiences.

Of course, hitting your finger with a hammer and being unhappy in love are things of a different order, but there are also general principles. If you calmly endure the blow of a hammer on your finger, if, when you are insulted, humiliated, you do not immediately flare up like a match struck on a box, then it will probably be much easier for you to cope with emotions when it comes to something more serious. This is generally about the discipline of feelings.

In general, you need to keep in mind that there are people who are amorous, there are others who are not, there are people who sometimes fall in love, although they are not inclined to do so, and there is also a fairly big difference between them.

The most important thing is that if a person experiences this state, there must still be sobriety and adequacy. And indeed a person should strive to ensure that he does not withdraw or leave the real world, because sometimes one has to pay very dearly for a mistake. He needs to try to seriously look at the other person for whom he feels these feelings, try to figure out what kind of person he really is. If he sees the unrequitedness of his aspirations, if he sees that there is absolutely nothing on the other side - in my opinion, this is always a reason to think about whether this feeling has any basis?

Craig Allen/flickr.com

Because if this is your person, if this is really the case, he will also respond, and something will happen between you, something will begin. If everything is dead and dead, it means that you invented something for yourself, and there is actually nothing there.

This is where the skill of disciplining yourself, disciplining your feelings will help you stop and say: “This is a hobby, this is an unhealthy passion, it will not end well, this is just self-deception.” There are people who prefer to live in self-deception, but if a reasonable person, he will not deceive himself, he will find the strength to sober up and free himself from this self-deception.

A person, in my opinion, should take everything seriously and responsibly. Probably, it is impossible to put a person’s feelings on a par with some things that he does, with some processes in which he participates, but, nevertheless, I will say: when a person is carried away by something, it could be falling in love , gambling, work, some kind of entertainment, business - there is always a danger that he will go where he does not want to go. He becomes a follower.

What does "hobby" mean? The man was carried away - as if water carried him away, and the man flies in this water, like a sliver in a whirlpool. When something like this happens to us, it’s always a reason to stop, it’s a reason to think: where am I being drawn, what is attracting me. I am in control, I am no longer in control of this situation.

I think this is completely wrong. I am in no way saying that love should be subordinated to some completely rational reasoning and calculations. But we are not talking about love now, we are talking about a feeling that has flared up, which is still very difficult for a person to somehow identify, he does not even understand what it is yet. I’m talking specifically about hobbies - a person is called to deal with hobbies so that they don’t drag him where he shouldn’t.

We are not called to stop loving

Inna Samokhina: If we are talking about love after all? A person has long been aware of his spiritual attachment and is aware that he experiences a deep feeling, that this is not some kind of superficial passion. One of the pieces of advice given to a person suffering from irreciprocity is: “Try not to love, then stop loving.” And it is completely unclear how to technically do this.

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): I am deeply convinced that if you love someone, you should never stop loving them. We humans, Christians, are called to love. We are not called to stop loving. We are called, on the contrary, to learn love.

If we are talking about the love of a man for a woman or a woman for a man, I don’t think that if the love turns out to be unrequited, then the only way out of the situation is to stop loving. Rather, the solution is different: to change the quality of love, to change, so to speak, the nature of this love.

Because if you love a person for what you see in him, if you feel him in such a way that he turns out to be worthy of your love, how can you convince yourself that he is not worthy of love? How to convince yourself that what you see is not in him, if we are talking about a person you really know?

But the fact is that if you love a person and see in him something worthy of love, this does not mean at all that your life should be connected into a single whole and that it should be a couple, a family, a marriage. It may be like this, or it may be different, and you must be able to accept this. We need the ability to accept what the Lord sends, to come to terms with the circumstances in which the Lord places us, to help a person find the right way out of this situation, without ceasing to love, especially without moving from love to hate, as sometimes happens to some people.

Inna Samokhina: How to do this?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): If a person has the skill of self-discipline, if a person is accustomed to not being like a sliver in a whirlpool, he will understand how to do it. The most important thing is that the source of love is the Lord, so you can always find the answer from Him on how to deal with this love, what to do with it, so that it does not destroy you, so that it does not destroy another person, so that it does not turn into a fire that destroys, but was a fire that warms. It's possible.

But, probably, the Apostle Paul gives the key to understanding how this happens when he talks about love: he says that love does not demand its own. Therefore, I will say again: love is what attracts a person to self-sacrifice, to giving, and not to taking.

If this person, loving, wants to possess, then there is definitely selfishness in this. Two loving people find each other and unite, but if one loves, and the other’s attitude is of a different nature - it may be friendly, it may be a disposition, but on the other side there is no love that would be the basis for a future marriage, which means it is necessary Having realized this yourself, take a certain step back, preserving all the good things in your heart that you have towards this person, and not strive for unity with someone with whom there cannot be complete unity.

Moreover, I will say that if a person loves someone, it seems to him that he loves a man or loves a woman - as a man or a woman, and he wants to be with this person at all costs - it happens that such marriages are concluded in whom one loves and the other accepts, but these marriages are not happy. Marriage can only be based on mutual love.

Benurs/flickr.com

If love is present on the one hand, and on the other there is complacent patience, of course, this is a completely wrong marriage, created on false grounds. A person strives for happiness, so to some extent he can be helped by such a selfish thought: “Yes, I strive for this person, yes, I love him, but I won’t be happy with him, because he doesn’t love me.” This feeling - when there is no mutual, reciprocal love, can even out this feeling, change its degree.

Inna Samokhina: What to do with such a conviction or with such a thought that deeply loving people accept: my love is enough for two. Even if they don’t love me, I will give, I will look after, I will take care, and this will make me happy.

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): This is a completely false idea. We can probably make the following comparison: God’s love is definitely enough for everyone, because the Lord is some kind of indescribable abyss of love, which has absolutely no limit. It seems that there really is enough for everyone, and it pours out to all of us richly and abundantly.

But at the same time, God’s love does not save a person if a person does not respond to it.

Love must find counter love, reciprocal love. Therefore, if the love of God without our love for God does not save, but our response to Divine love saves, then all the more so when a person says that his love is enough for two, for three, including children, for four or five - no, of course this is wrong.

Love must come from both sides. On the one hand, love cannot be enough.

Do you have to do anything to be loved?

Inna Samokhina: Father Nektariy, I remember the reasoning of one interesting person, he, unfortunately, is no longer alive, an interesting director, former artistic director of the academic drama theater Anton Kuznetsov. He always, in response to such words - “She doesn’t love me” - always somehow flared up and said hotly: “How can she not love me? What does it mean - doesn't love? Make it so that he will love you!” In my opinion, for a man, as, indeed, probably for a woman, this is generally correct: I will act in such a way that they will love me.

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): I think this is wrong.

Inna Samokhina:Why?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): A person must remain himself. He must strive to be better, he must strive to get rid of the shortcomings that are inherent in him, he must strive to constantly outgrow himself.

But if he does all this so that someone will love him: if a man does so that a woman will love him, if a woman does so that a man will love him, this is unnatural, wrong. Because you can’t stand on tiptoe all your life, you can’t put on stilts and walk on them.

You are who you are, and if they don’t love you, then don’t go out of your way, don’t go out of your way to be loved, it won’t lead to anything good. You should never try to win over someone, you should never try to somehow convince someone of something. No.

Areta Ekarafi/flickr.com

Every person contains some amazing beauty, and it can be seen in every person, but it happens that two people meet, and they look at each other’s beauty with some very special look. Then this feeling of love arises between them.

By and large, when people ask: “Why do you love me?” - “Why do you love me?” - yes, they, on the one hand, can name some reasons, but if they are able to exhaust their feelings with these reasons, that is, put them into categories: “I love you for this, for this and for this.” - “And I love you for this, for this and for that” - this is not love.

Love is when a person can name the reasons why he loves, but will reach some limit and say: “In the end, that’s not why I love.” - "And why?" - “I just love it.”

This simple love is more important than love for something. If a person tries to do something that would make him loved, then it will be incomplete love.

Inna Samokhina: And if he is not just trying to do something to be loved for something, but is trying to show himself, as it were - now this other person will see how good I am, how I know how to care, how I love, how deep my love - and he will respond to this?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): The fact is that in love there cannot be such one-sidedness, it cannot be that one person is trying to show something and manifest it all, and the other person accepts it. It is not right.

Love is something completely different, it is an exchange: you give everything you have and receive in return everything the other person has. You give even more, and he opens up and gives even more, and you give even more of what you didn’t even suspect, and the person gives in return.

Otherwise there will be some kind of bargaining, some kind of calculation. Again, our love, which connects us with people, not only receives its origin from Divine love, not only is nourished by it, but it must constantly be somehow compared with it so that we understand whether we are on the right path or not. The relationship between God and the human soul is one that is reflected in an absolutely amazing way in the Song of Songs.

Taylor Johnson/flickr.com

Why is the soul called the Bride of Christ? This is the deepest image. The Lord constantly comes to meet man out of His love for him, and man either goes to Him or, conversely, runs away from Him. The Lord follows a person all his life, but if a person runs away from God all his life, then this does not lead him to anything good.

How many people are there who simply accept Divine love? After all, there are a lot of people, even Christian believers, who understand that the Lord loves each of us immeasurably, they understand that the Lord endured crucifixion and death for us, and they accept this love. It's horrible.

It is clear that there are people who reject this love, there are people who do not want to know about this love, but at least there is some kind of logic in this, terrible, God-fighting, but logic. And when a person understands all this and simply accepts love without responding to it, this causes the most difficult feelings.

It's the same between people. When one person teaches his love, and another simply accepts it - no, this is completely wrong.

Inna Samokhina: Could there be a situation where, for example, one person loves, maybe even tries to somehow achieve reciprocal love, and the other does not completely reject and supports the relationship, and reciprocity arises in the process of communication?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): This is all from the area of “do not make yourself an idol.” No man is worth pursuing; Not a single person is worth dancing around him with some kind of dance with tambourines.

Relationships between people must be equal, only then can something good come out of them. Otherwise, there is a great risk of being deceived and making mistakes. After all, people make mistakes and are deceived. After all, each of us, priests, encounters every day a huge number of people who come to church after a year, five, ten, fifteen and twenty years of marriage, and what they say about their family life every time raises the question: “How did you end up together? You, two complete strangers, who do not know each other even after two decades of marriage, having given birth to two, three, four children. Can you explain how you ended up together?”

And people can't explain. Of course, among them there are those who didn’t think about anything at all when getting married - they just got married, and that’s it. There is a large percentage of such people. There are people who thought about something, who thought that they were experiencing something towards each other, but the percentage of mistakes is colossal. The percentage of errors when people are mistaken in their feelings and make decisions based on false premises is colossal.

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But why take the wrong path? Why provoke the possibility of this mistake, when one person achieves and shows himself, and another looks at it and accepts or does not accept? One person will look at how another is courting him, when he opens up, shows himself, well, he will make a decision, marry this person, respond. From now on it will all be over.

I also know how many such marriages, when a man, wanting to conquer a woman, does everything he can not do. That's it, they left the registry office, maybe they left the church, if they got married, the door of the house closed, and there was another person there. Sometimes it comes to the funny, and more often to the tragic, and this happens. For what? Any artificiality is the basis for subsequent collapse.

It’s another matter when a person does everything you’re talking about not in order to be seen, not in order to understand how good and wonderful he is, and to be loved for it, but quite naturally a person does all this out of love . Otherwise it's cheating.

Because it is completely natural to care for love, to sacrifice oneself, to give, to help - to give everything that you have, out of love, and not for the sake of being seen how good you are.

Even if we don't talk about love. This is a conversation between two people. They are not lovers, they do not love each other, it doesn’t matter whether they are colleagues, friends, acquaintances - one of them does something for the other, does it once, does it twice, does it three times, does it four times, if the second one simply accepts it without responding, then even there can be no talk of friendship. It’s just, as they say, a one-goal game, or it’s called the “nipple system” - air flows in one direction, but not in the other.

There is nothing here to talk about seriously. If we transfer the same thing to personal relationships, to those relationships that are based or seem to be based on love, the same thing happens: that one person is endlessly doing something, and the other person is just looking at it and studying - what is it? What kind of relationship is this anyway? They are not complete from any point of view.

Inna Samokhina: I agree with you. I was not talking about the fact that a person accepts love, but I was talking about the situation when, after one person does something for another out of love, the second, having seen and, as it were, felt it, begins to experience mutual feelings.

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): These are completely different things. This happens, but there is no need to do this on purpose.

There is a wonderful film based on an even more wonderful novel by Somerset Maugham, the film is called “The Painted Veil”, I don’t remember the name of the novel, perhaps even the one of the same name - this is a deliberately unhappy marriage of two people.

Still from the film “The Painted Veil” (2006)

The man is a young promising doctor, and his wife, who was getting married, I don’t remember, either to leave a family she didn’t want to be in, or to leave where she was, they come to China.

There he works as a doctor in the most inconvenient and difficult conditions. She cheats on him, they practically don’t live as husband and wife, absolutely everything is falling apart, falling apart, and he doesn’t do anything to win her, he’s just being himself. An epidemic begins, some colossal mortality begins. And he, in the full sense of the word, rolls up his sleeves and simply serves people. She looks at it from the outside. He doesn’t do this because he wants to please her or seem like someone, he doesn’t think about all of this at all.

But when he finally dies of cholera, and she sees him off on his last journey, she realizes that she has never had and never will have a man whom she loved as much as him.

And not because he was trying to show her something. While he was winning her, while he was trying to do something for her, she did not take it seriously. She took him seriously only when he became virtually a stranger to her, when their marriage, while remaining unshakable from a legal point of view, actually broke up, when she was able to look at him, stepping back, with completely different eyes - not because he He did everything for her and served her, but due to the fact that he served people and did everything for them.

This happens, but it is unlikely that he could serve other people on purpose in front of her eyes, on purpose die from cholera in the expectation that she would love him - that would be real madness, and he was simply being himself. She, in the end, was able to see him for who he is, and to love him for who he is. It happens. And simulating some such situation is at least unreasonable, and at most insane.

You can’t turn a person into Kashtanka

Inna Samokhina: Father Nektary, let us turn to the opposite side. Often a man or woman finds themselves in such a dilemma: they see that someone has a deep feeling for them, and they are convinced of the depth of sincerity of this feeling, let’s take this situation. And at the same time they understand that they do not experience a reciprocal feeling. How to behave in this case?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): If you see that someone has deep and strong feelings towards you, and you understand that you do not have such feelings in return, then you need to try to show this - not with hostility, not with coldness, but establish a certain distance and not give neither oneself nor a person can cross it.

Mark Belokopytov/flickr.com

If you understand that a person can falsely mistake some of your kind attitude, some of your actions and actions, done simply out of goodwill towards him, for some kind of glimmer of hope, you don’t need to give him this hope, you don’t need to do that with to act as a person.

On the contrary, it is necessary to even distance yourself from the person, I will say again, to establish a certain distance so that the person understands that what he is counting on cannot happen here.

So that it would not be like the story with Kashtanka, to whom the boy gave a piece of meat tied on a string, and then, when she swallowed it, he pulled it out. In relationships between people, no one should be turned into Kashtanka.

Neither out of kindness, nor out of some false compassion or for some other reasons, under no circumstances should this be done.

Inna Samokhina: If a person still admits: I don’t feel a reciprocal feeling right now, but it can be born because the person is good, the person sincerely loves me. Is it worth taking a closer look at this person, perhaps keeping a distance, or will it still be somehow false?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): I think this will all be wrong, yes. Relationships between people should develop naturally. You can’t take a person with his attitude towards you, put him in some desk drawer, and say: “Let him lie there for a while, I’ll think, maybe something will come to me, maybe something will respond.” There is one in this desk drawer, another in this desk drawer, a third in the chest of drawers, a fourth in the closet. What it is? That's impossible.

It’s just that either something has arisen and the relationship develops, or it doesn’t. Of course, life is very multivariate, it can be different, it happens that you distance yourself from a person, step aside, life completely separates you, and after years you collide, suddenly you have a feeling that you didn’t have before, but the person, maybe it disappears. And so it happens, in every way. The main thing is that this should not be subjected in any way to any attempt to sort everything into shelves.

Inna Samokhina: Somehow artificially simulate?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): Artificially simulated, yes. It should happen naturally. Love is a miracle of God; there is no need to try to create a miracle with your own hands. Will not work.

Inna Samokhina: Yes. Many people still think about finding love, and act on the following principle: let it lie still, suddenly something will respond there.

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): I think it's wrong. In general, in everything that we talk about love, about falling in love, about personal relationships, there can be no recipes, no rules, no instructions. There may be some general principles that we talk about, there may be general points that we pay attention to.

But in general, everything is so individual that, probably, anyone would be crazy who would try to create some kind of schemes by which one can determine whether it is love or not love, to act one way or another. We are talking only about general principles, nothing more.

It happens very, very differently, but in my opinion, the most basic, fundamental principle is that in relationships between people there should be no artificiality, there should be no artificial modeling.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand myself

Inna Samokhina: Some psychologists recognize such a phenomenon as empathy. I’ll explain for our TV viewers, if anyone doesn’t know, that this is intentional empathy for the emotional state of another person with the conscious understanding that this experience has an external side. Simply put, one person experiences some emotions, some feelings for you, and you begin to become infected with these feelings, as if mirroring them, reflecting them, while you understand that the source of these feelings is not inside you, but outside . How does Christianity relate to empathy, how would it explain this phenomenon? And what is this, from the point of view of the laws of the spiritual world?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): I wouldn't overcomplicate what we're talking about. It probably happens when one person feels that he has fallen in love with another person, and his love begins to find some external manifestations that are inextricably linked with his internal experiences, and the other person, having felt this love for himself, can simply respond to it.

Mo Riza/flickr.com

It would seem that the source is not in himself, but in that other person who loved him. What's so wonderful about this? A person loves you, and in fact it’s wonderful - you feel the beauty of this feeling, and a reciprocal feeling arises in you. God loves a person, and a person at some point, realizing how much the Lord loves him, responds to this love. The source of this love is not man, the source of this love is the Lord. But when a person begins to love God, he already loves himself - this is already a personal feeling.

Here, too, it may be that in one person, in the heart of one person, this feeling arose earlier, and another person responded to this feeling, and this is not self-deception, but a completely real feeling. It may be completely different, it may be that one person, seeing the feeling of another person, did not respond to it, but... How can I call it more accurately? He liked it - to live in this feeling, and not only did he go for some kind of conscious game, but he went for some kind of self-deception - he became carried away by this feeling for himself.

It is beautiful, it is pleasant, it is good, it is warm, and a person does not love in return, but until the end he unconsciously plays at love. Yes, this can happen. But a person is called to try to understand any self-deception, to try to understand himself. Ultimately, you cannot live a full life if you do not know yourself, if you do not recognize your feelings, your experiences.

It just happens very bad when one person is convinced that he loves and is loved, and another person, playing with these feelings, enjoying them, suddenly says: “No, this is some kind of game. I apologize, I figured myself out, that’s all.” It can be hard.

But it can be harder when a person figures it out, doesn’t talk about it, and then a marriage happens, children happen, and then a divorce happens - it will be much harder. Emotions are not love, experiences are not love. Love is a basic feeling, the most important feeling that covers a person’s entire life, not only when someone is nearby or when someone is at a distance, it fills everything, it cannot be confused with anything.

When a fire starts in your house, you are lying in bed, your apartment is on fire, and you are also on fire along with this bed - can you make a mistake? No, you can't go wrong. It’s the same here, when it’s there, it’s there, you can’t go wrong here. When a person says: “I don’t know whether it’s yes or no,” no.

In fact, there is a rule: when an ascetic fears that what he is faced with is delusion, he neither rejects nor accepts it. What's the point? The point is that if it is delusion, you can reject it, but if it is the grace of God, you cannot reject it, because the enemy tempts, and God acts autocratically.

When the Holy Spirit comes, a person does not have the opportunity to choose - he admires the Holy Spirit. It's the same with love. If it’s either yes or no - I’m trying to figure it out in myself, then your condition is so serious that this is some kind of pathology that needs to be understood. Not in this situation, but in general in what is happening to you, how you live and what is going on in you, you need to deal with this. Not in relation to this situation, but in relation to life in general.

Xavier/flickr.com

In general, it is completely natural that if a person loves, he understands that he loves. If a person doubts, it means that in principle he does not know how to love, he has some kind of defect, and he needs to deal with this defect. This is actually true, as harsh as it may sound, it is actually true.

If the center of life is in another person

Inna Samokhina: Suppose a person realizes that the feeling he is experiencing is unrequited, and tries to somehow redirect it, as you said, but fails to cope with it. How can he not fall into depression, how can he not lose his taste for life, how can he not lose himself and devalue himself? In short, how can we continue to live with this?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): The fact is that you cannot see the center of your life, the center of your being in another person; this is, in principle, completely wrong. Any system must have some kind of center, some kind of foundation, so that it does not collapse, some kind of central axis that runs through this entire system and holds it together.

For a person created by God, this axis, this center, this anchor of the system should be his faith in God, should be his personal attitude towards Him, by whose personal attitude he was generated from non-existence into being. If this is so, then no matter what happens to this person, he will remain at this basis, and he will not collapse, he will not crumble, he will not fall apart, not to mention he will not devalue himself, but will not cease to exist as a human person.

A person who does not have this center of his own existence in God will necessarily constantly create this center in some false area. This will be in relation to some other person, it will be in relation to career, wealth, some of his momentary attachments and hobbies, and the person will constantly fall into a state of disappointment, because everything that he is trying to rely on is all destroyed, falls apart and you can't really stand on anything.

Even when we are not talking about unhappy love, not about unrequited love, but about real and complete love - if in it people concentrate on each other and place all their hope in each other, then, of course, this feeling will fail, because After some time, human relationships begin to exhaust themselves if there is not eternity behind these relationships. And indeed it is.

Otherwise, it would turn out that people who love each other, who really love, get married, and live for years, and it begins that they are bored with each other, and they do not converge, do not get closer, but move away from each other, although it would seem , they should become closer to each other every year.

We can take the families we encounter and try to understand what percentage of people during their marriage have become truly close, truly become family? Not because they have common children, not because they have common illnesses, not because they have common interests, not because they have a common home - no, but so that they really become one. These are just units. This is not even one percent, but much less.

Why? Because people rely on humanity in their relationships, and love is a Divine feeling. If people perceive this way, if they remember Who put this feeling in their hearts, then their life together becomes a constant revelation.

In fact, a genuine and real marriage of people who love each other, who love in a Christian way, is in some sense an alloy, such a reflection, a prototype of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Why? Because people ask: “In the Kingdom of Heaven, what will people do? What is eternal life? Still, one can get bored, a person can become fed up with everything.”

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In fact, there are words in the Gospel when the Lord says: “This is eternal life, that they may know You...” - He says this, addressing His Heavenly Father. Eternal life is the endless knowledge of God, knowledge in love, knowledge in joy, when every new moment is a moment of new revelation, this moment of new recognition, this moment of new joy, even greater than the previous one.

There is no stopping here, there is no moment of getting used to it, because every moment is new. Again, “Behold, I create everything new” - this new thing is new life, endlessly renewed.

In a sense, marriage in its ideal should also be some kind of approximation to this constant recognition of each other, when every moment is a great joy. It is clear that such a straight line of ascension in marriage does not work. People weaken in their love, people weaken in their life as such - both Christian and simply universal. They are not always at the level at which they should be in a variety of relationships, but, nevertheless, you must understand that there is a peak to which you strive, and beyond this peak there is another, and this ascent is endless.

This is how the relationship between husband and wife should be, exactly this. They are possible when you grow yourself, when the person next to you grows. But this growth is impossible neither professionally, nor careerwise, nor in any other way.

This must be the growth of life in God, let's say it this way, no matter how high it may sound, no matter how pompous it may sound, but it sounds exactly like that. Then these relationships will never exhaust themselves.

Inna Samokhina: It turns out that even personal growth, which many people talk about today, is also finite to some extent?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov): Personal growth is endless, not in the sense in which they say today, but in the sense that each person is a completely unique individual, created in the image and likeness of God.

What finitude can there be in this growth if the Lord gives grace to man as much as he can contain it. A person has absorbed what is given to him and is ready to accept more. How will this process end? It is endless. It is correct to say not that a person does or does not accommodate grace - it can be revealed in him every day to a greater and greater extent in its most diverse facets.

The human soul is like a cut diamond, a diamond, because sometimes sunlight somehow plays on one facet, then on another, then on a third. This is some amazing beauty that can be revealed in a person.

When two people are nearby and they see how this beauty is revealed in both of them, in each of them, this is probably the ideal to which the family life of two people who love each other should strive.

Question: “Who loves whom more?” does not lose its relevance even when you grow out of six-year-old pants. As a child, you were probably asked by numerous relatives about who you love more: mom or dad, or maybe your brother or grandmother? And at this naive age, it was you who chose who would be your lucky one.

Then the idea that someone might not love the little princess seemed incredible. As children, we sincerely believe that the whole world was created for us. But the more experience children gain outside the family, the more evidence there is that this is not entirely true.

jfk image/shutterstock

Each of us has had the experience of non-reciprocal sympathy from the series “Her name is Masha, she loves Pasha, and he loves Sveta and only her.” Even the most charming and attractive have at least once heard a refusal and suffered because they were not chosen. I’m already silent about adolescence, when complexes and fear of rejection prevent you from even thinking about declaring your love to someone.

But now, having already become an adult and independent (you can’t argue with the date on your passport), you still catch yourself in fear that you are giving more than you receive. It becomes an obsession and the counter is always running in your head. You tirelessly note how many times he said “I love you”, how much money he spent on you, what good he did, whether he was attentive, and so on.

This fear of “not being loved” and “not being reciprocated” is the first reason why you should stop measuring the strength of love. While your internal meter is on, instead of enjoying the relationship, you are in constant tension.

So, what should you do if your partner doesn't seem to love you as much as you'd like?

1. Turn off the meter

This is the first and very important step to stop the game “Loves - does not love.” It's difficult, I agree. After all, fear is breathing down your back: “What if he stops appreciating me? I do everything for him, and then he will completely relax.” Oddly enough, but often it is the partner who is more in love who shows his feelings less. This is related to the same fear of being used (due to the scars of previous experiences).

How to stop settling scores? Don’t worry, you won’t have to sacrifice your desires for this, that’s the secret. You do what you can for your man, but at the same time you do not become a “donor” for him and do not make sacrifices. Be attentive and sincere, not allowing him to demand from you what will be uncomfortable or unpleasant for you.

It is this feeling of comfort/discomfort that will serve as an indicator whether a man is crossing the line of what is permitted. For example, he demands to pay equally on all bills, despite the fact that he spends more food and has more income. In this situation, you can barely make ends meet - so don’t be silent, ask him for support. Focus on your feelings.

jfk image/shutterstock

2. Create your what-not-to-do-list

No matter how much you are in love with a man, you should have your own stop list. Thanks to which, you will not shoulder all the problems of your couple and will not be the only one interested in your relationship.

Here are the main mistakes that you should not make in a fit of love euphoria (you can start your what-not-to-do-list with them):

Play "rescuer"
Of course, it’s tempting to become his lifesaver, his personal assistant, to be indispensable to him. Look for the keys he lost; reconcile him with his mother; buy gifts for his colleagues; forgive him after returning from another spree. The list can be continued for a long time, and you can add your own items to it. Remember that “rescuing” women most often become a backup option, a convenient way to spend a weekend, but certainly not love for life.
Provide financially
You should not pay your partner’s debts, support him until he finds a job worthy of His Highness, or buy expensive gifts and trips abroad. By creating a comfort zone for him, you can tie him to you, but where is the guarantee that this will last? A woman should not be a sponsor. You can support (morally), inspire, calm, but not solve his problems.
Control your partner
You shouldn’t conduct interrogations with passion, or secretly go through his mobile phone and his social networks. Even if you do this unobtrusively, supposedly unnoticed, the man will very soon begin to feel like he is under a hood and will want to get out from under it.

3. Give the initiative to the man

Worries that if you “loose your grip” and he will run away or your relationship will fall apart without your energy, only confirms that it’s time to tell yourself “stop.” If you take the situation into your own hands, rushing things, from the first meetings you begin to organize your leisure time/vacation/shared housing, how will the man show himself? How will he understand that he wants to be with you if you are already nearby? If you haven't given him the opportunity to understand, does he want to be with you?

In modern realities, when competition among women is so high that we are ready to call first, invite to a meeting, beat others off, the idea of relaxing seems strange. But as long as you crush a man with your energy, there is no point in him fighting for you. This doesn't mean you have to stand there like a stone statue and wait. But you shouldn’t play ahead, fulfilling a man’s desire and not allowing him to even want to.

4. Choose the right candidate

Psychotherapist Irwin Yalom in his book “The Cure for Love” writes that very often we replace love with passionate attraction or even obsession. The phrase “I love you” is so worn out that we talk about love without always being sure whether it is so. Remember this if your man whispers confessions to you, and at the same time you feel abandoned and unnecessary next to him.

If your partner is not interested in your desires, if he is cold and indifferent, and you don’t even dream of his support, you should think about whether you need such a relationship at all.

Irvin Yalom recommends that you first choose a person who knows how to love as your life partner. You don't expect lemon to be sweet, do you? Or that the sea will be warm in February? It’s the same with relationships - if initially you choose a person who is not capable and not ready to change, to love, to give warmth, no matter what courses you take, no matter how many personal therapies you undergo, none of this will work.

5. Increase self-esteem.

By underestimating yourself, you can unconsciously choose emotionally cold and closed men, dooming your relationship to failure (see point above). It is “lame” self-esteem that forces one to agree to uncomfortable relationships, sacrifice oneself (who needs me but him?), forgive insults and grab the “last chance”.

By adhering to these points, you will be able to build a relationship in which you will feel desired and loved. Then the need to compare who loves whom more will disappear by itself.

It is impossible to say with one hundred percent accuracy that a person really loves you. However, there are many ways to determine a person's true attitude. To do this, you should pay attention to his behavior, words and actions, especially when you are together. And despite the fact that each person’s idea of true love is different, it can be distinguished from simple love, interest or fleeting infatuation. If you want to know the true feelings of your loved one, follow these guidelines.

Steps

How does he behave?

Can a person be himself around you? To love means to be open to your other half. If a person changes when he is alone with you, it means he loves you. For example, if in public he is serious and polite, but in private he fools around with you and does stupid things, then he is completely open and loves you.

If a person shares his deepest emotions and experiences with you, while feeling comfortable, he loves you.
If a person feels comfortable without pretending to be perfect, relaxes and doesn't care about food stuck in his teeth, then he doesn't mind you seeing this side of his personality.

Is the person happy to see you after a hard day? If a person is having a bad day but perks up when he sees you, that's a sign of love. If a person loves you, the sight of you or the sound of your voice will already make him feel a little better.
- Next time he's not in the mood, see how he reacts to your presence.
Does your loved one look at you with loving eyes? Have you ever noticed a hazy look on yourself full of adoration? You'll know what it's all about as soon as you see it. Sometimes you may notice this look in the morning, or even accidentally during lunch.
- You may also notice that the person is staring at you with the same facial expression.
Does a person like to play the fool next to you? Love makes a person stupider, more inspired and makes you laugh without reason. If a person behaves this way in your presence, he is most likely in love.
- If you said something not very funny, and the person simply explodes with laughter, he is consumed by love for you.
- If the person is nervous or fidgeting, they are likely excited by your presence.
Is a person sad when you are sad? If you are experiencing incredible emotional suffering or simply feeling broken because of your illness, this condition must be transferred to the person who loves you. He will absorb negative emotions to make you feel better.
- Although a person does not have to feel the same feelings as you, he will definitely be influenced by your mood.

What he says?

Does the person talk about your future together as a matter of course? If a person truly loves you, the thought of a future together will be natural for him, he should not feel uncertainty or insecurity. If it’s okay for him to talk about what you will do in the future, what your life together will look like in a year, two, ten years, then he really loves you.
- True love implies the desire to live forever next to your loved one. If a person does not see his future without you, he definitely loves you.
- If you're discussing what your kids will look like, where you'll retire, or where you'll go on your honeymoon, you're in true love.
Does your loved one give you meaningful compliments? There is a big difference between “I love your hair” and “You make me feel better no matter what.” It is important that the person tells you that he values you as a person and respects some of your character traits.
- You don't have to be complimented all the time. It is quality that matters, not quantity.
When a person tells you “I love you,” does he really mean it? There is a huge difference between “Liu cha!” I love you too". If a person really loves you, he says it, looking into your eyes, his voice sounds sincere and he does not demand anything in return.
- You don't need a reason to confess your love. He shouldn't do it as a favor or because it sounds appropriate at the time.
Is the person really open to you? A loving person will not be afraid to talk about his thoughts, feelings, fears and the like. He will talk about his childhood, his regrets, difficult periods, dreams, and he will be comfortable sharing this with you.
- If a person says, “I’ve never told anyone this before...”, then most likely he really loves and trusts you.
Does your loved one tell you that he misses you when you are apart? If you are far from each other, but continue to correspond, call each other, making it clear that you miss each other, then you cannot imagine life without each other. If you left for 3 weeks and did not receive any news, most likely this is not love.
- Your loved one should not constantly call you to say that he misses you.
Does your loved one see your shortcomings? He shouldn't idealize you. A truly loving person will be able to point out to you a mistake, an incorrect statement or unworthy behavior. However, he shouldn't criticize you all the time. It should be healthy, constructive criticism, meaning that the person knows you inside and out and accepts you with all your strengths and weaknesses.
- You should be wary if a person never criticizes you and never argues with you. Make sure the person loves you and not the ideal version of you.
Does your loved one respect your opinion? If he's interested in you on a variety of issues, from appreciating a pair of new shoes to the political situation in the world, then he really loves you. A loving person can ask for your advice or point of view on any matter, even if he already has his own formed opinion.
- He doesn't have to ask your opinion about everything - only about the things that are most important to him.

What is he doing?

Does your loved one listen to everything you say? If a person truly loves you, not only will he be open with you, but he will also listen to what you tell him, even if he has heard about it before. This doesn't mean he has to act like your dog. He will simply be there to listen to your thoughts and express a response point of view, without interrupting or being distracted.
- To love means not only to speak, but also to be able to listen.
Does your loved one come to your aid at any moment, even at inopportune and inconvenient times? Sure, he's always there for a drink or two at the bar or a delicious meal, but will he take you to the airport when needed? Or will he walk your dog when you're sick? A loving person will share both joyful and sad moments with you.
- If a person is with you when you are happy, in a good mood and with a light heart, but disappears when you are sad or depressed, he does not love you.
- Love is being close to a person, no matter what. A loving person will accept you with all your strengths and weaknesses, and will also share happy and difficult times with you.
Does your loved one do nice things for you? A loving person will gas up your car when you're busy, buy you groceries, or make chicken soup when you're sick. He doesn't have to be all over you and overprotective, but if he loves you, he'll want to give you a reason to smile or make your life a little easier.
- True love is the ability not only to take, but also to give in return.
- If a person truly loves you, he will do these things without asking your permission. This should go without saying. If you ask him for help every time, most likely they don’t like you.
Does a person always want to be close to you? To love means to always strive to be close, even when it seems impossible. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to cling to each other, but loving people take advantage of every opportunity to be together.
Does your loved one give you enough freedom? A loving person will always give you time to be alone with yourself and mind your own business. If a person does not let you go even a step, this is already a blind obsession. As a couple, everyone needs time to do their own thing and be themselves.
- The desire to be close all the time rather speaks not of love, but of the fact that a person is not confident in himself.
Does the person really understand you? True love is true understanding. If a person knows how to recognize your mood, knows what you like and what you don’t, and how to please you, then he loves you.
- It's okay if you remain partly a mystery to a person. You don't have to expect that he understands you 100%, but you should have a firm belief that the person feels and understands you most of the time.
Does your loved one want what's best for you, even if it's not what's best for them? A loving person understands that there are some things you need to do for yourself and on your own. He must realize that it is important for you to spend the summer on a distant island if you are studying to be a marine biologist, or that you need to go home early to get enough sleep before an important test.
- If a person constantly wants the best for you both, and not for you personally, which means he does not see you as an individual with his own desires and needs.
Does the person provide you with real support? A loving person will be there not only for fun, but also to help you achieve your goals and move forward in life. He will sit in the stands during your game on the field, come to your thesis defense, or give you a ride to an interview. A loving person will be there when you need him.
- If a person truly loves you, he will support your goals and interests, even if he is far from them.

When someone likes you, they act differently in your presence, look at you differently, or smile a lot.
Consider other people's feelings. When someone likes you, whatever you do will mean a lot to that person. Be careful.
If a person doesn't talk to you, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Maybe he's just shy.
Don't confuse flirting with showing friendship, otherwise you will be hurt later.
Giving a person freedom is necessary, but if you are not at all interested in where, what and with whom he does, you risk losing him.
If your girlfriend or boyfriend seems clingy and overprotective towards you, it may be because they care about you.

Proven ways to understand that you love exactly the right person, or you just like him

The feeling of falling in love is one of the most exciting, exciting and at the same time frightening feelings that each of us experiences sooner or later.

Once you fall in love, it is already unthinkable for you to imagine your life without your soulmate. Of course, you lived somehow before you met your loved one, but in fact, you only existed until the two of you met.

I remember the first time I fell in love with my girlfriend; it was some kind of frightening feeling, because before meeting her I managed to avoid the feeling of falling in love. I remember especially well this transition from the state of falling in love with Vanessa to the state of loving her.

At the beginning of the relationship, Vanessa was the woman who made me smile, and in the end became a kind of catalyst for my happiness and joy. I called her a spectacular girl, now she is the most beautiful in the whole wide world for me. She was once the object of my adoration, today she is the love of my life.

Each of us experiences love in different ways and at different times. Love is an extremely subjective concept, but I can say with confidence that everyone who has experienced this feeling will agree that it is the most beautiful.

Here are 10 ways to understand that you love the right person, or you just like him:

1. Your loved one is the best part of your day.

American actor and musician Childish Gambino sings in one of his songs: “When I'm alone, I'd rather be with you.” The part of the day when I see my girlfriend is the most enjoyable for me. If you truly love someone, you will never get tired of that person.

No matter how successful the day was, your loved one can even brighten it up with just his presence. If you just like the person, he or she will be able to make your day better, but most likely they will not be the best part of it.

2. The first person you think about when you wake up in the morning is your soul mate

3. Self-interest comes second

Love is selfless. In my personal world, I was the most important person until I met my girlfriend. When I fell in love with her, her interests became much more important to me than my own.

This is what love is all about. Your interests always seem insignificant compared to the interests of your loved one.

4. You are ready to do anything

If I had to make a list of the things I would do for my girlfriend, it would probably be empty. When you are in love with someone, you will do anything to make that person happy.

When you just simply like a person, you can also go to great lengths for him, but nevertheless, your options will be limited. And true love has no boundaries.

5. You are not afraid to express your feelings in public.

I have a habit of telling the whole world that I love my girlfriend. When you truly love someone, you want everyone to know it. You are not shy about your feelings. When you like someone, you will definitely refrain from showing feelings in public.

6. Your love is imperfect

My girlfriend is the most beautiful person I know, but she also has her flaws. But for me these are not flaws at all, but her special qualities that I love.

When I jokingly remind her of her shortcomings, she thinks I'm laughing at her, but in fact I adore these imperfections of hers. Love is the ability to accept the shortcomings of your other half.

You may know the shortcomings of the person you like, but you will learn to accept them only by loving him.

7. You plan for the long-term future.

When you are in love with someone, it is very difficult to imagine your future without this person. Based on this, you will plan your life with your loved one for the long term.

You will not give in to short-term temptations that could harm your goals. When you just like someone, planning for the future is scary.

8. You get better

No one is perfect, there is always room to grow further. But the feeling of falling in love pushes you to self-improvement.

You want to be a better “version” of the person you love. Today I am much better than I was before I met my girlfriend.

9. Your feelings are not conditioned by anything.

When you love someone unconditionally, it means that your love knows no conditions and it is absolute. In fact, I don’t like the term “selfless love”, it sounds a bit too verbose. But I believe that true love is not limited by any conditions.

When you like a person, your feelings directly depend on the circumstances.

10. Your love is your best friend

After some time, my girlfriend became my best friend. It seems to me that this is natural for most people in love.

Your significant other becomes a partner in crime. You feel that together you can move mountains.

All women they know how right A.S. Pushkin was when he wrote: “The less we love a woman, the more she likes us.” But if we paraphrase these immortal words of the great writer a little and say: “The more we love a man, the more impudent he becomes,” then it seems to me that all women will also agree with me. Because when a woman keeps a man at a distance, he is ready to move mountains for her and take stars from heaven. But as soon as she lets the man know that she loves him so much that she cannot live without him, he begins to noticeably cool off towards her, and sometimes even “makes up his mind.” However, all this does not mean that men and women should not love each other in order to live happily together. Without love, the world is boring. You must love, but you should not advertise your boundless love to your partner.

Love- the most wonderful and bright feeling on earth. For the sake of this feeling, many people do incredible things and crazy things. But becoming a slave of love is not worth it. The biggest mistake of women who love deeply is that they try to put their beloved man on a pedestal, completely forgetting about themselves. They actually become love addicts and begin to serve the man and forgive him for everything he does.

In the end the man begins to perceive her as a cook, nanny or housekeeper, tries to humiliate her and considers her a person unworthy of him. We all know women who are married, but do all the home renovations themselves, hammer nails, move furniture and do all the male and female housework. At the same time, they still work and raise children. And their husband’s duty is to go to work, have a hearty meal and have a good rest. Such women themselves teach men to do nothing, and then find themselves in the role of a sufferer.

Man is naturally focused on overcoming obstacles. He must feel like a conqueror, a fighter and a winner. Easy prey that falls into his hands is of no interest to him. Therefore, a woman who floods a man with her love and care quickly gets boring for him. He begins to be burdened by his relationship with her and is looking for another one whom he needs to conquer. An abandoned woman thinks: “I sacrificed everything for love, and he did this to me.” In fact, such a “sacrifice” was needed only by herself, and not by the man. Moreover, too much love on the part of a woman obliges men, and the stronger sex does not like to be obliged.

To satisfy Usually those women who in childhood felt a lack of parental affection and affection take care of all the needs of their beloved man. They try to become kind, gentle and caring towards their partner, even if he does not deserve such an attitude towards himself.

Concept " be in love" means a lot to them, so they are ready to forget about their own needs and satisfy the needs of those people to whom they can be useful in some way. Their parents taught them how to take care of others, but at the same time forgot to tell them that they are the most beautiful and loved ones ", worthy of the best. All their lives they try to correct the unfair attitude of their parents towards themselves and win the love lost in childhood. But, unfortunately, their desires in adulthood remain only a dream, because in order to be loved you, you must first of all love yourself.

Be in love- this does not mean serving. No matter how much you love a man, you should not set a goal to change a man and make him better. Correcting the life mistakes of even the man you love is not your responsibility. His problems are not your problems, and the changes that should happen in him do not concern you at all. A man himself must want to become different and change. And you just need to accept him the way you loved him. There is no need to try to change him, try to gain control over him and blame him for all misfortunes. Try to change your behavior towards a man and become someone for the sake of which he wants to become different. The only necessary and useful work for you is to work on yourself. After all, behind the desire to take care of your husband and make his life happy, you are masking your efforts to control his life and become useful to him.

Some women They only say that they love them very much, but due to their nature they themselves do not know how to love at all. These are women in love with themselves and hysterical. They poison themselves and cripple themselves because of “unhappy love,” and all their lives they experience only one all-consuming love for themselves. Their strong love for a man is a simple game of an artist. In fact, she is completely absorbed in her life and interests, and the needs and experiences of others do not interest her. Usually such women like to tell everyone about how much she loves a man and how badly her lover treats her.

Love- this is not a selfish feeling, not a desire to gain benefit through a loved one. Therefore, do not rush to feel sorry for a woman who threatens to commit suicide because she cannot live without the man she supposedly loves very much. If there are no sympathetic listeners and spectators for whom she has prepared the stage for a “tragic” love melodrama, her ardent feelings for the man will quickly fade. This is simply the theater of one “actress” who, since childhood, has been accustomed to achieve her goal with hysterics.