Today I will tell how to get rid of jealousy in relation to your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands to their girlfriends? Your wives to unfamiliar men? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?
Reasons for jealousy:
- First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
- Secondly, it grows out of lack of confidence in oneself, in one's own (friend, child, anyone). The uncertainty that your partner loves you and will not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
- Thirdly, jealousy is the result of a possessive attitude towards your partner. Desires to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
- Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.
What have we not seen on the list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, it is based on fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn the relationship into a series of suffering and mistrust.
How to defeat jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?
1. Get rid of everything that does not serve your love
During a fit of jealousy, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on the spouse's phone, try to smell the perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends, and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with representatives of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they do not even think about where this feeling leads them.
Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving a problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other, should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be confident in the loyalty of their partner and do everything in order to fuel this confidence, even if it will cause a wave of mistrust, negative emotions and quarrels for empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.
People are used to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.
But in fact, paranoia, which appears on the basis of jealousy, does not at all serve the goals of love and a harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.
Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lying, but you yourself wrap your relationship in an atmosphere of distrust. You are so scared of losing your partner, but at the same time, you try to control his every step, blame him, create bans, swear, shout, suspect ...
Does this create the basis for close, trusting, healthy and long-term relationships? The irony of jealousy (and indeed many other feelings based on fear) is that because of your fear you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Mistrust and paranoia ultimately make the relationship more fragile and alienate you from your partner.
The next time you feel jealous and feel like yelling at your husband or checking his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship. How will this help your love? How can this prevent the appearance of those things (loss of a partner, breakup) that you are so afraid of?
If your answer to all three questions is "No way" or "It only gets in the way" then give your jealousy a red color.
This alone, of course, will not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But, the first step towards getting rid of negative emotions is the realization that you do not need these emotions, that they only bother you.
Rid your relationship of that which does not serve the interests of love!
2. Eliminate your fears
We naturally don't want to think about what we are afraid of. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about it ”! As strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.
Of course, you will disagree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my beloved leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience at the same time. "
But you don't think about what will happen next. You only think about negative emotions when your fear is fulfilled. Try to mentally go beyond this limit, even if you yourself will not want to think about the future.
Think: “What will happen in a year after our separation? What will happen in five years. The first few months must be tough for me. But then I will start to come to my senses a little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe they will be even better than this. "
(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live on even after infidelity! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)
Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to run these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will continue to live, and not about how bad it will be for you at the moment your fear is fulfilled!
You shouldn't get too attached to what you have. At the moment, it may seem to you that the relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But, this is partly an illusion and deception. It is difficult for people to think in the perspective of their whole life, and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.
This thought may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “How is it not worth getting too attached to something? I am attached to what I love: to my children, to my family, to my work, to my goal. This is the foundation of my existence! Are you suggesting to become indifferent to the things that I love? "
No, I suggest only to stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.
If you love your husband dearly, but constantly live in fear that your relationship might end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such a relationship? I do not think. The fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!
Strong attachments create fear of loss. And the fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.
Not having strong attachment does not mean not loving. To not feel strong attachment means to be more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, to be realistic. Be prepared for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.
3. Stop comparing
"What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, smarter, more beautiful!"
"There are so many men around her, more beautiful and more successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can survive."
These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You start comparing yourself to other members of your gender, and fear of competition grips you. But men and women are not some kind of goods in the love market!
Relationships between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “product”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the best analogy, but it is closer.
I want to say that your relationship now is not the same as it was when it just started. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were connected only by mutual attraction.
But, in the course of the development of relations, a kind of "capital" is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, reinforced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of relations understand each other more and more deeply, how they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, how they overcome the next difficulty that stands in their way ...
And this capital is too valuable. It cannot be easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else, which you yourself do not guess. And this is what makes you more successful and attractive people.
“Good,” you say. “What if our relationship is not like building up shared moral capital.” They only crumble. It seems to me that nothing more connects us both ”.
Then move on to the next item.
4. Improve your relationships
Spend more time with your partner. Get to know his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Add variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!
I'm not going to quote here detailed instructions to improve relationships. This will be the subject of a separate article. What I want to say here is that spouses' loyalty to each other is not a product of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. It is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.
If, during your spying on your husband, you do not find any evidence of treason, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy, after a while it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then you will have less reason to be jealous.
In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for the occurrence thereof (betrayal), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!
I recently pondered why total control by the state is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this is happening for the reason that countries with big economic problems have only one way to foster patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. This way, lie, organize surveillance and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.
But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, for what it provides to its residents good conditions for life and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to "love". Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationship. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to acquire a joint "love capital" and thereby reduce the risk of "emigration of your spouse" to another family. It's better than doing it through bans and surveillance.
5. Curb your imagination
Your husband is late at work. And now pictures come to your mind in which he is having fun with other women. But do not rush to let your fantasy forward. If you continue to imagine this, it will be difficult for you to extricate yourself from these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.
These fantasies make it impossible for you to assess the situation soberly. Therefore, if you have noticed attacks of paranoia due to the betrayal of your partner, then take it as a rule: “ first thought is wrong thought until she proves otherwise. "
It can be said presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my immediate feelings are trying to present it.
Therefore, put all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. To start, . All the same, as long as you are seized with anxiety and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.
So turn your attention to something else. Don't let him get caught up in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their "negative pole". Then you can assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will understand that your fears were in vain. But, perhaps, they will be confirmed. But before thinking about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.
6. Stop living only the life of your partner.
Often the reason for jealousy is the obsession of one of the partners on the life of the other. It happens that this happens for the reason that one of the partners does not have his own personal interests and his own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.
This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make you or the person in whose life you are interfering happier!
To avoid this, add some variety to your life. and your passion. In no case should this be a reason for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to understand that there is something else in life besides your husband or your children.
At the same time, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live a life other than family life. Leave room for him to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, do not try to explore every inch of his life and do not squeeze it in the grip of control.
It will also help you become less attached to your relationship, as you will have something else! Consequently, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!
7. Do the opposite
Do the opposite what jealousy pushes you to. If you see that your wife is talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of glaring sideways at that person and then making a scandal for your wife, come up and politely meet this man! Perhaps you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how absurd your jealousy was.
8. Be honest! Don't play games
Throw away all those spy games and hidden doubts! If something bothers you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly talk about all your suspicions and see what he answers.
But, before talking about this with your partner, it would not hurt you to evaluate for yourself how much your suspicions are justified.
After all, many people play a "hidden game" and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to talk about their paranoia to another.
Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only speak directly about your concerns and reach out to new level trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also to check whether your fears are real or is it just the result of unbridled imagination.
9. Trust your partner
I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I consider this issue to be quite important, so I am putting it out in a separate paragraph. Trust is a prerequisite for a healthy and strong relationship. Think, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?
I am not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not live up to our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.
Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in every word of his and discard your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions will not always turn out to be unfounded. But try to believe your soul mate and not suspect him of something bad for him for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.
If your fears remain with you, then something probably needs to be changed in your relationship. But, it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and see how faith in your partner transforms your relationship, and makes you happier. And you will want to stay with this trust forever ...
10 be ready to forgive
I do not want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy for which there is a reason. Maybe everything is really not so smooth with you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And it is not your paranoia and fear that tells you this, but the established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband constantly disappears somewhere, comes late at night and smells of perfume from him.)
In this case, it is better not to deny the obvious things, not to suppress the attacks of jealousy, and try to do something with your relationship. I have always been a proponent of trying to fix what happened, forgiving the person, and starting over before taking decisive action. This I advise you too.
Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's or your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not restrained in sex, but they continue to love you. Sometimes they do this because, their ego longs for new victories on the love front, but they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person succumbs to affect, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is a consequence of a person's momentary weakness, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.
Cheating is not as scary as your fantasy and your feelings paint you. But if this happened, be prepared to experience it together and move on. This is not the end of life.
If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to start trusting him again, after all his actions. That cheating is not the end of your relationship. That you can together change and improve your life together, without allowing such cases to recur in the future. Then you will not be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reasons for jealousy!
But this will require the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop a relationship!
Are you feeling jealous in your relationship because of your other half's behavior? Learn how to resist this feeling, how to stop being jealous.
It doesn't matter if you are a boyfriend or a girl, jealousy in a relationship can cause many different problems, from paranoia to insecurity and unfounded accusations.
But sometimes we can't help but get jealous, especially if someone comes along who gets a little more attention from your partner than you think they deserve.
It's terrible when it feels like the relationship is spiraling out of control, especially if you can't find ways to influence the situation.
But no matter what happens, jealousy will never become your ally in love matters.
When we are jealous, we fear that our relationship partner might find someone even more attractive, and we fear that she or he will reject us. Therefore, jealousy acts as a way to deal with this threat.
We believe that our jealousy will allow us to protect our rights and make our companion give up the passion for another person. Jealousy resembles the strategy we use to figure out what's going wrong in a relationship, or to know how our partner is feeling.
If you feel jealous, ask yourself what you hope to get out of your jealousy.
Like other forms of anxiety, jealousy forces us to focus only on the negative. We interpret our partner's behavior as a reflection of a loss of interest in us or a growing interest in someone else.
Jealousy forces us to draw the wrong conclusions and misinterpret the emotions of loved ones: "She dressed like this to get the attention of other guys."
Jealousy can be an adaptive emotion
Jealousy is a universal emotion that affects, to one degree or another, all people on the planet.
Evolutionary psychologist David Bass expressed the point of view that jealousy developed as a mechanism for protecting personal interests, so the genes of our ancestors, which supplanted competitors, most likely continue to live in us.
Indeed, it is known that men in ancient times (as well as male lions) killed men and children in a conquered tribe. Jealousy is a way of protecting vital interests.
We can say that jealousy is an absolutely natural emotion. Therefore, an approach like “you are neurotic if you are jealous” or “if you are jealous, then you have low self-esteem” does not always correspond to reality.
In some cases, jealousy can characterize high self-esteem: "I do not accept such an attitude towards me."
Jealousy may reflect your higher internal standards
Psychologists have often viewed jealousy as a sign of deep insecurity and personality flaws.
However, it makes sense to look at jealousy as a much more complex emotion. In fact, jealousy can characterize your high demands for monogamy, love, honesty, and sincerity.
You may feel jealous because you want to have a monogamous relationship, and you are afraid that you will lose what is valuable to you.
Some people might argue, "You can't own another person." Of course, this is true, and any relationship is based on freedom. But they are also based on choices that two free people make.
If your partner freely chooses to leave the party with someone else, then you have good reason to be jealous. We do not own each other, but we can assert our loyalty to each other.
But if your higher demands are based on honesty, loyalty, and monogamy, jealousy can jeopardize your relationship. You are trapped. You don't want to give up your values, but you also don't want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.
How to stop being jealous
1. Analysis of the situation
A situation may arise where you get jealous simply because you saw your girlfriend talking to someone.
But before launching a flurry of accusations, stop for a moment and ask yourself a few questions about how you are feeling. Try to figure out why you are jealous.
Ask yourself questions:
→ Why is my girlfriend talking to this person?
→ Is it unreasonable for them to speak at this time?
→ Has this happened before, and what explanations did the girl provide?
→ Am I jealous because I feel that the girl will cheat on me?
→ Am I jealous because this is exactly how I felt when I was cheated in the past?
→ Does this jealousy stem from what I have experienced in the past, or because my girlfriend somehow behaved or said something?
Once you identify the root cause of your jealousy, you have a clearer picture of what you think is going on. This will help you gain a new, more objective perspective on the situation.
2. Don't let your imagination rule you
In a situation consisting of many unknown facts, it is easy to give free rein to your imagination, which will gladly fill in all the missing information.
A guy who always works overtime, thanks to his girlfriend's imagination, can easily turn into a traitor who has a connection with his colleague. A friend who does not pick up the phone can become a cheat in the blink of an eye who is still dating an ex-boyfriend.
However, before you start imagining and re-creating fictitious scenarios of likely events, there are two things you can do.
First, find another way to look at what's going on. The girl's boyfriend can actually work overtime because he just got promoted. And your girlfriend may not have answered the phone because she was driving with the music on.
If that doesn't calm your raging imagination, the second thing you can do is try to find another activity that will distract you until your other half can give you a reasonable explanation.
To stop being jealous, don't let your emotions rule you and your imagination.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Envy and jealousy are closely related. Therefore, it is very likely that one of the main reasons you are jealous is because the other person has qualities that you think you lack.
How tempting it is to start comparing yourself to the object of your jealousy. But you better stop before you start destroying your self-esteem.
Even if you think the other person has positive traits that you do not have, think about this: of all the smart, funny, nice people in your girlfriend's (boyfriend's) social circle, why did she (he) decide to be with you?
No matter what qualities the people around your relationship partner possess, you should have more faith in yourself. You are a wonderful and wonderful person, and it is true.
4. Explain jealousy to your girlfriend (boyfriend)
For many, it may seem embarrassing to admit that they are jealous of someone. But sometimes the other half needs to know about your attitude in order to smooth things out and not let the feeling of jealousy grow stronger.
You could explain in a calm manner that you have noticed that she or he is spending a lot of time with a certain person and that you would like to know why.
You can ask your girlfriend (boyfriend) to call or text you if she works late, just to calm you down. Alternatively, you can arrange a meeting with colleagues or your companions to get to know them a little better.
Forming a bond with your beloved's circle of friends often helps.
5. Feelings of jealousy are different from jealous behavior
Just as there is a difference between feelings of anger and hostile actions, there is a difference between feelings of jealousy and jealous behavior.
To stop being jealous, it's important to understand that your relationship is most likely in danger from your jealous behavior. This includes constant blame, the pursuit of confidence and control, resentment and acts of revenge.
Stop and tell yourself, “I know I feel jealous, but I don’t need to act like that.”
Notice that this feeling is within you. But you have a choice: to follow his manifestation and obey his will or not.
Which choice would suit your interests?
6. Accept your jealousyand watch this feeling
When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a few minutes of free time, start breathing slowly, and observe your thoughts and feelings.
Recognize that jealousy thoughts and reality are not the same thing. You might think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn't mean that they are.
Note that your feelings of anger and anxiety may increase as you begin to observe your experiences.
Accept that you are jealous. You don't need to get rid of this feeling. Recognizing an emotion and observing it often leads to a weakening of the sensation that has arisen.
7. Recognize that uncertainty is part of the relationship.
Jealousy requires confidence: "I want to know for sure that he is not interested in her." Or: "I want to know for sure that we will not part."
But uncertainty is part of life, and we must learn to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those constraints with which we cannot do anything.
You can never know for sure what your partner is not. But if you blame, demand, and retaliate, you can turn the idea of the failure of your relationship into reality with your own hands.
8. Explore Your Beliefs About Relationships
How to stop being jealous? To do this, you need to understand that your jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships.
These may include beliefs that your partner's past relationship is a threat to yours. Or you may think that "My girlfriend (boyfriend) should never be attracted to anyone else." You can also convince yourself that your emotions (jealousy and anxiety) are indicators of a relationship problem.
This is the so-called "emotional reasoning", which is often a very bad way to make decisions.
Often, your beliefs about relationships are influenced by your childhood experiences or past relationships.
If your parents have gone through a difficult divorce process, you may be more likely to believe that this will happen again to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship, and now you believe that your current relationship may be a repetition of those events.
You may also believe that you have nothing to offer the other person - who wants to be with you? If your jealousy is based on such a belief, then it is very important for you to refute this idea.
For example, one woman felt that she lacked dignity. But when asked what she would like to see in ideal man, she answered: intelligence, decency, emotional closeness, creative thinking, humor, diverse interests, and suddenly she realized that she was describing herself. If she were such an empty person, why would she see herself as the perfect partner?
9. Use effective communication skills
You don't need to rely on jealousy to make your relationship safer.
To stop being jealous, you should use more effective behavior. This means becoming more useful to each other:
→ Pay attention when your partner is doing something positive.
→ Praise each other and try to refrain from criticism, sarcasm, and contempt.
→ Always have a dialogue with each other and discuss everything that bothers you.
→ Take the pleasant and simple actions that you expect from each other: cook food together, talk about the work of your other half.
Jealousy rarely has a positive effect on relationships. Practicing effective communication is a much better alternative.
From the point of view of psychology, jealousy is a deep emotional manifestation in relation to the object of affection, associated with love, adoration and sometimes dependence on the object of adoration.
Inherent in absolutely all people, it manifests itself in each individual in a sensory range of unequal strength. Often, for someone who is jealous, it is difficult to accept the jealousy of a partner: it seems that a loved one just likes to torment himself, reaching nervous breakdown... In fact, with an exacerbated pathological degree, this is the most destructive, burning feeling that can cause frenzy, push you to reckless, affective actions.
The reasons for jealous behavior, like many other disorders and complexes, lie in the impressions of childhood. Some patients of psychoanalysts competed with a brother or sister for the approval of their mother, others sought the favor of their peers, trying to raise their status in the team, and still others occupied the lower levels of the school hierarchy for a long time, having matured, began to intensively compensate for the lack of success.
A jealous character is a consequence of:
- Low self-esteem(). Expressing doubts about the loyalty of a spouse, a jealous person negatively evaluates his own appearance, qualities, opportunities. Uncontrolled jealous irritation is a reaction to a constant question asking oneself: "Am I worthy of love?" Believe me, a jealous person unambiguously answers "no", hourly expecting betrayal and replacing him with someone better, more beautiful, richer, stronger.
- Strongest, irresistible craving for the object of love... The fear of being deprived of attention makes the jealous person define himself in the literal sense as an "attachment", the addition of a spouse. Such self-denial is observed by psychologists in patients who witnessed the difficult separation of father and mother. After the divorce, the parent who raised him most likely remained lonely to the end. Fearing a repetition of fate, we begin to panic, as soon as the "soul mate" looks in the direction of a handsome person, inadvertently expresses words of approval to a stranger.
- Selfishness, possessiveness... Such a person, on the contrary, does not recognize anyone more beautiful, smarter and more worthy of himself, believing that loved ones belong to him, like things not endowed with personal tastes and addictions. From the point of view of the owner, controlled dolls in the world of an egoist have no right to pay attention to anyone. Possessive behavior is the most difficult, practically not subject to correction, moreover, to the control of the jealous person himself.
How jealous are men and women? Simple and delusional mental reactions
Jealousy how to deal with it if you do not know what to do? Gender differences lead to different types of jealousy. Of course, male and female emotions of jealousy are formed and lived individually. Paradoxically, women find it easier to cope, due to their higher sociability compared to men, the opportunity to discuss the problem reduces the severity of pain.
- When a wife doubts her loyalty, she sees a problem in her spouse: “He will leave me for another, because all men are the same!”.
- A man tends to turn criticism on himself: "She will leave because I did not / did not appreciate / am not attractive enough / rich."
At the same time, representatives of the stronger sex, mostly not ready to discuss emotions with friends, suffer in silence. And when the pain becomes unbearable, they turn with a mountain of accumulated claims to their partner. By that time, the intensity of their experiences reaches the boiling stage, transforming into complex mental experiences.
Mental delusional manifestations are a stream of uncontrollable emotions, suspicions that have no foundation.
The person begins to look for the fact of non-existent betrayal, proceeds to find a reason for nagging ("Where was he? Why did he open the door so slowly? Where did he stay for five minutes?"), Followed by phone checks, counting per second, step-by-step control, domestic violence, interrogations, inquiry , the choice of a detective who would collect incriminating evidence.
And when an investigator points out the innocence of someone under surveillance, the employer would rather question the competence of the investigation than the validity of his suspicions. The claims are striking absurdity, but for the one who formulates them in anger, they are serious, they cannot be stopped with laughter, remarks: “You’re crazy (lost)! Sick (sick), probably! ". Only a calm, clear explanation, as humiliating as it may be for the victim to prove his case, leads to a short truce.
The origin and stages of transformation of jealous suspicions have fundamental gender differences:
- Men, with rare exceptions, do not believe in betrayal to the last. They are characterized by psychological denial of the problem, ignorance, refusal to search for evidence. Girls, on the contrary, begin to look for confirmation of what they have long been sure of. Ladies can get evidence of betrayal in any shameful way.
- They turn their anger not at the rival, but at their woman, believing her to be the cause of the situation. Ladies, on the other hand, hate their rival and often take out their anger on their rival in conflicts.
- Male suspicions appear when a partner refuses sexual relations (refusal to have sex gives rise to uncertainty about sexual attractiveness). In a woman, the appearance of the first suspicious thoughts can provoke a failure to receive the usual signs of attention - flowers, gifts, compliments.
How to deal with jealousy of your husband?
First of all, trust, avoid impulsive attacks. Discuss your suspicions with your girlfriends, mom, and for your husband to form a thoughtful, calm story about disturbing things. Otherwise, once he sees a frenzied hysteria based, in his opinion, on trifles, the husband will begin to reassess family values: "If she's so scandalous, then I'm still hoo!" or "If she knows how to stir up a scandal out of nothing, then she's crazy."
Ladies, understand what you are first imagining and then start looking for evidence of what you are imagining.
To make clear claims from the male side, a more real reason is needed than a careless thought crept in and games of imagination (provided that we are not a maniac).
How to deal with jealousy of a girl, wife? Not to frighten, shaking his fist, barely suspected. Praise outfits and makeup without asking “Who are you dressed up for?”, Present flowers for beautiful smiles, for the same new image.
Even if your wife praises someone else's man in front of you, listing his advantages, this is not a reason for suspicion - girls are much more likely to spontaneously express positive emotions, they can kindly mark someone else's guy just because he really deserves approval.
My boyfriend is pathologically jealous, what are the chances of saving the relationship?
When it comes to relationships with a pathological jealous person, the specialist's answer is unambiguous: this is real self-destruction. Try to soberly assess what is happening, as peacefully discuss the separation as possible.
In difficult cases, harassment, calls, watchdogs, threats are possible. Realizing that the person has not calmed down, forget hopes for the future together - life together will turn into disappointment.
Anxiety, aggression, uncontrollable behavioral disorders characteristic of mania indicate that the patient needs a specialist, but your nerves will not withstand the flow of negativity.
When a partner demonstrates manic seizures, it is worth answering the most important question: are endless scenes necessary, what makes you endure? Think about your own safety - often the gravity of actions is realized after the family is destroyed, and criminal statistics says: every 10 crime is due to jealousy, occurs without significant motives.
Mild forms of jealousy allow you to work on maintaining a couple, it is advisable to follow the instructions of the psychologist together.
Jealousy: how to deal with it?
- Raise the self-esteem of the disadvantaged. The partner should tell him about love more often, praise achievements more. It is necessary to overcome certain complexes regarding appearance; today, under the supervision of specialists, it is possible to make any transformation.
- Mentally relive the separation. What will change dramatically if your couple break up? Will you become less successful? Lose your credibility? Losing your source of wealth? Love nobody else? Cruel, but true: you can overcome anything. Therefore, even if the companion leaves, you will be able to survive the failure. With time.
- Don't ignore the claims. Talk, communicate, do not leave him alone with annoying thoughts, understand that he is as uncomfortable with their presence as you are uncomfortable with the role of a suspect.
- Respect the right of a loved one to leisure, communication, spending an evening in the company. Only a mechanism that does not possess character, impersonal can be completely subordinated to oneself. Would you be happy with a soulless robot in a relationship?
The universal advice of a psychologist is to establish a dialogue, build mutual respect.
The best remedy is detailed conversations that build trust. If you suffer from jealous thoughts, try to tell in an accessible way how hard it is to exist under the yoke of suspicion. The option of reciprocal betrayal, flirting is deliberately doomed to failure - this is an almost one hundred percent guarantee of parting.
PSYCHOLOGICAL JEALY TEST
What love can there be without jealousy? After all, this is impossible in earthly love - this is the opinion of the overwhelming majority of women and men. But how much higher than common sense? Doesn't this turn into a kind of paranoia that infringes on the interests of one of the partners, and for both of them causes useless stress (by the way, harmful to health - most diseases have psychosomatic roots) ..
Take this online quiz and find out how much of your jealousy is in a relationship. whether it does not exceed a certain "golden mean", after which there is a huge chance that the family (relationship) can collapse, because of the emotional tension that jealousy creates for both. Also find out in which direction you need to work, or your attitude / psychotype (with a certain result).
Surely each of us at least once in his life, at least for someone, felt a feeling of jealousy. Usually jealousy is a one-time feeling, and arises when a loved one dear person pays increased attention to a promising rival or flirts with him. Jealousy in this case is a completely normal reaction. loving person.
Everyone is jealous - young and old ... Someone for the first time felt all the bitterness of jealousy in childhood towards their parents, when another child appeared in the family. And jealousy does not leave him for the rest of his life. And to someone this feeling comes only when he is given a reason for jealousy.
In general, jealousy is an extremely unpleasant, destructive feeling for those who are jealous, and even for those who are jealous. For jealous people, it brings unthinkable suffering: together with jealousy, at first such feelings come as mistrust of oneself and others, anger, a person loses control over himself, he cannot reason sensibly, build correct conclusions, emotions take up over the mind, which can later even appear in uncontrollable aggression, rage.
For a certain time, jealousy exhausts a person so that he gives up, despair, powerlessness comes, a sense of responsibility and respect for a partner and oneself is lost, a feeling of hopelessness arises.
Therefore, it becomes simply necessary and important not to miss the moment when you can still fight the overwhelmed feeling of jealousy, when not all forces have been lost in order to fight jealousy without waiting for its destructive effect on relationships and on the personality as a whole.
Should you fight jealousy?
First of all, recognize your right to jealousy, accept the fact that you are not an ideal person in everything, and that it is quite normal for yourself to feel jealous for absolutely every loving person in this world. This is a very important psychological moment. Thanks to this understanding and acceptance of jealousy as such, you create an attitude not to fight this feeling, but only to internal changes in the way of thinking, behavior and relationships. Thus, the psyche will not need to look for strength in the reserve to fight jealousy, but for a person with himself.
When should you deal with jealousy?
If jealousy does not bring you and your partner emotional discomfort, does not destroy your harmony and does not disrupt your mutual mental health and well-being, then you can sometimes let jealousy stir up your insipid everyday life a little.
You can and should fight jealousy when your loved one is more and more angry from your manifestations of jealousy, when your jealousy gives you both suffering and you suffer in doubts, thereby generating distrust of your loved one.
Decide to finally and irrevocably defeat jealousy. There should be no deviations. If you decide to fight jealousy, then you must definitely come to your intended goal, for example, improve relationships for the sake of maintaining love and trust, and it is also necessary to note the intermediate results of your mutual metamorphoses.
Try to identify the cause of jealousy. Any feeling that a person has can be considered normal. You just need to be aware of why it appeared. After all, only by finding out the reasons for jealousy, you can fight its consequences.
Jealousy appears where doors are open for it. Therefore, there is always a reason ... But one should not look for only one reason, for example, in the defiant behavior of a partner. Jealousy springs from fertile soil.
Become introspective and acknowledge your responsibility for jealousy. Tell your chosen one about your assumptions, doubts and experiences. It will definitely be easier for you to fight jealousy together.
We have compiled a rough list possible reasons occurrence of jealousy.
Subjective reasons for jealousy
The main reason lies in the unconscious fear of loss. Fear of being abandoned, betrayed, rejected, deceived, used, unable to keep a loved one. If this fear of loss is great, it will ultimately destroy love and the relationship with your partner. The mechanism of self-reproducing prophecy begins to set in motion: what I fear is what happens to me.
You are afraid of betrayal - you are betrayed, you are afraid of deception - you will definitely be deceived. Jealousy is also based on this mechanism. And the mechanism lies in the fact that with your sometimes unfair and undeserved accusations, you push your loved one to completely real actions. But the reason for jealousy is not in you or your partner, the reason is much deeper.
Other reasons for jealousy
Lack of self-confidence and mistrust in a partner, dissatisfaction with sex, lack of attention, understanding and communication in relationships, too loving behavior of your chosen one with people of the opposite sex, as well as jealousy as a means of defense or attack.
How to deal with jealousy after all? So, you have found the reason or reasons for the appearance of your jealousy - this is already half the way. Further, based on the reason, you must determine what you lack in the relationship, what you need to work with your significant other to maintain the relationship. Analyze your behavior in those situations when jealousy arises, discuss the feelings that arise, and you will be amazed that there is a lot of pain and suffering you cause with your jealousy not only to yourself, but also to your loved one.
If you are jealous: how to deal with your jealousy?
If your relationship is really very dear to you and you do not want to lose your chosen one, then you will have to honestly admit the fact that your jealousy arose because you are not quite confident in yourself and are afraid that your partner will prefer you more beautiful, intelligent, rich, etc. the list is endless.
There is no need to endlessly look for flaws in oneself and criticize on any occasion, and otherwise the fight against jealousy will be lost. Just be yourself, build on your strengths, and learn to accept yourself in different situations.
Self-confidence appears when we see and know that our personality is significant. To do this, find the area where you can express yourself and receive the charge that you need now to strengthen your self-esteem and faith in yourself. In addition, you will be a little distracted from such sometimes obsessive thoughts of betrayal or betrayal.
It is also necessary to fight jealousy with the adoption of such important basic foundations in any normal relationship, such as respect for the personality of a partner, respect for his personal boundaries and the right to freedom. This means that no one belongs to you, you are not the owner of your loved one for the simple reason that you love him and live together, in general, for any reason.
You must clearly understand that any control and prohibitions not only limit your partner in his rights, but also infringe on him as a person, and he will sooner or later want to break out of your rigid framework and restrictions.
So, the first is respect for the partner as a person. The second fundamental foundation against jealousy is self-respect, which will help you maintain your dignity in the face of your loved one and not make scandals or tantrums from scratch.
From here follows the next tip that will help you fight jealousy is self-control. Jealousy causes too violent emotions that jealous people sometimes cannot cope with. Therefore, self-respect, combined with self-control, will help you maintain your relationship and your feelings.
And finally, you can better fight jealousy together. Be honest with your loved one, tell them what you are worried about, what you have doubts about. If you are offended by the too kind behavior of your loved one with persons of the opposite sex, ask him to behave more modestly, admit that it is unpleasant for you, tell us about your fears, etc. The main thing here is not to blame, not to offend or ascribe more to your partner's behavior than it really is, be fair, because you are not a saint either.
How to deal with your partner's jealousy?
Try to find out the true cause of jealousy towards you, what caused it. If it is difficult for you to establish this reason yourself, call your chosen one for a frank conversation. The main thing is to listen to his feelings and experiences, not to be stubborn and also admit partial guilt for this jealousy. Go for rapprochement if your relationship and your loved one are really dear to you.
Cultivate self-esteem. You are not property or a thing that now belongs to someone. Do not succumb to the attempts of your chosen one to prohibit you from communicating with someone, or to monitor your location every hour. Be clear about how much these attempts can border on tyranny or despotism towards you. And before it's too late, immediately say that you will not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself, and do not.
Help your significant other fight his jealousy. If he says he doubts your sincere feelings, show more feelings. If you see that he has low self-esteem, that is why he is jealous of every dangerous rival, assure him that there is no reason for jealousy, designate the importance of your loved one to you and support his self-esteem.
You can and should fight with jealousy, go for it !!
Content of the article:
What is jealousy?
Jealousy causes tremendous suffering to the person who is exposed to it, and if he does not correct, then in the end it inevitably destroys the relationship. In such cases, psychological assistance is needed.
What is the difference between pathological jealousy?
Jealousy Is a feeling that manifests itself to a greater or lesser extent in all couples and arises from the fear of losing the person we love. It is normal and comes from love.
However, when jealousy is strong, appears periodically or unreasonably, we are talking about pathological jealousy... This type of jealousy is more about control and distrust than love.
Pathological jealousy is more about control and distrust than love.
Obsessive jealousy creates a destructive spiral in the couple's relationship, which leads to a deterioration in the relationship and in many cases ends in a breakup. The problem is that a jealous person sees reality distorted, which is why he sometimes has inappropriate behavior. He devotes most of his effort and time to looking for evidence of possible deception, rejecting any rational argument. Thus, the behavior of the jealous person leads to what he fears: loss of a loved one.
How do you know if you are jealous?
Friedrich Hebbel, a German poet, said: “ For everything that a person possesses, he must pay dearly, even if it is only the fear of loss.". This means that when we maintain a relationship that is valuable to us, we always have some concern about the possible loss of a loved one. Sometimes this fear turns into jealousy. However, this is healthy jealousy because it involves an acceptable and rational problem of loss.
Healthy jealousy is that worry or fear of losing a loved one that doesn't make us lose our ability to reason. We may feel some concern, but this does not cloud our minds and does not lead us to irrational conclusions, does not force us to invent non-existent situations. A person who feels healthy jealousy wants their partner to stay close to him, but will not try to control him. In addition, such jealousy does not cause much discomfort or affect the relationship.
Healthy jealousy is that worry or fear of losing a loved one that doesn't make us lose our ability to reason.
However, morbid jealousy goes much further. This type of jealousy is unreasonable and can make a person obsessed, and the feeling from which he suffers, make the center around which his world revolves. As a result, they have a negative impact on human behavior, engendering hostility, self-pity, and deep insecurity.
Why is it important to fight jealousy?
A person who is experiencing intense jealousy requires that his partner not have emotional contact with anyone, sometimes even with his friends. To prevent this from happening, he devotes himself to observing his every movement, sometimes even imposing absurd rules. This constant pressure becomes a ticking time bomb because his partner feels trapped in it.
Symptoms of unhealthy jealousy
A jealous person is not always aware of his problem, thinking that his jealousy is normal. However, the first step to overcoming jealousy is to acknowledge its existence. Therefore, it is important that you carefully read the following behaviors characteristic of morbid jealousy, and analyze which of them you have:
- You have an excessive fear of losing a partner that often makes you feel bad.
- You often think that your partner is cheating on you by being with another person at this time.
- You carefully analyze your partner's behavior, looking for signs that support possible infidelity.
- Monitor your partner or violate the privacy of his correspondence, for example, by viewing their mobile messages or emails.
- Take control of your partner's life from day to day.
- You hate your partner's friends and coworkers because they can spend time with them.
- Your jealousy has no real basis, but is based on imaginary situations or conclusions drawn from the analysis of small details.
- Jealousy affects your life to the point that you don't sleep much or suffer when your partner is not around you. An obsession with possible infidelity or breakup prevents you from living happily.
- You require your partner to tell you everything they did during the day, looking for clues that would indicate possible cheating.
- You often call your partner to find out what they are doing. When he doesn't answer, you feel like he's cheating on you.
- You are constantly comparing yourself to the people with whom your partner is connected on a daily basis, because you are afraid of being worse.
- You worry when your partner comes later than usual, and immediately you decide that they are unfaithful to you, and he has lost interest in your relationship.
What are the reasons for jealousy?
The causes of morbid jealousy vary from one person to the next, although low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence are usually at the root of it. A jealous person does not believe that he is worthy of love, so any detail, glance or delay is enough to ignite the fuse of jealousy.
A jealous person does not believe that he is worthy of love, so any detail, glance or delay is enough to ignite the fuse of jealousy.
In many cases, this fear can stem from childhood, usually due to parents who were emotionally absent and did not meet the child's needs for protection and affection. In other cases, the lack of trust may be caused by traumatic experiences or humiliation from previous relationships.
However, it has also been recognized that certain personality traits are behind morbid jealousy, such as a desire for power and a tendency to exaggerate. These are people who tend to create a storm in a glass of water. They also tend to have few social skills, so they think that if their partner leaves them, they won't be able to be happy or find another person to love them. In fact, jealousy tends to hide emotional addiction.
The devastating effects of jealousy
When jealousy is irrational, it becomes pathology. A person lives pursued by his fears, insecurities and suspicions. The thought that the partner might cheat or leave him puts him in a state of heightened alertness, looking for signs that confirm his worst fears. Obviously, a person living in this way cannot be happy.
Why get rid of jealousy?
Some time passes and a moment comes when this compulsive control becomes unbearable for the other person, so jealousy ultimately causes irreparable damage to the relationship. The feeling that he is being watched and controlled will sooner or later force the partner to change his behavior, retreating, first emotionally, and then physically. Lack of confidence destroys any opportunity for dialogue and strangles the other person.
At this moment, the anguish and misery that the jealous person experiences are so great that they destabilize him emotionally. He can commit desperate acts: from physical aggression against his partner to suicide. In fact, many of the cases of gender-based violence that appear in the news are motivated by morbid jealousy.
Read also:
Orthodox calendar
Sunday, 22 March 2020(March 9 old style)
3rd week of Great Lent
Cross-worshiping.
40 martyrs who were tormented in the Lake of Sebastia: Kirion, Candida, Domna, Isychia, Heraclius, Smaragd, Eunoicus, Ualenta (Valenta), Viviana, Claudius, Priscus, Theodula, Eutychia, John, Xanthia, Iliana, Sisinia, Angia, Aetia , Akakia, Ekdicia (Ekdicta), Lysimachos, Alexandra, Elijah, Gorgonia, Theophilus, Dometian, Gaius, Leontius, Athanasius, Cyril, Sakerdon, Nicholas, Valerius (Valeria), Philoktimon, Severian, Khudion, Meliton and Aglaia (c. 320 )
Memorial Day of Saints:
Mch. Urpasiana (about 295). St. Caesarea, brother of St. Gregory the Theologian (c. 369). Right. Tarasia.
Memorial Day for Confessors and New Martyrs of the Russian Church:
Sshmchch. Mikhail Maslov, Alexy Smirnov, Dimitri Glivenko, Sergiy Lebedev, Sergiy Tsvetkov presbyters and Nikolai Goryunov deacon, prmch. Joasaph Shakhov and prmts. Natalia Ulyanova and Alexandra Samoilova (1938).
Day of veneration of the icons of the Mother of God:
The Albazin Icon of the Mother of God, called "The Word was made flesh" (1666).
Great post.
The marriage ceremony is not performed during the Great Lent.
Readings of the day
Gospel and Apostle:
In the morning: - John 20: 1-10 On lit .: -Ap .: Heb. 4: 14-5: 6 Ev .: Mark 8: 34-9: 1
Psalter:
In the morning: - Psalm 9-16 Psalm 17-23
